My last post was pretty dark. I do apologize to those of you who only want upbeat posts. Let me start by saying that when I am feeling normal, and happy and NOT dark…. I can’t understand my dark self, I don’t understand why I can’t bounce out of the mood, I then promise myself I will not let myself return to that dark place with such pain inside. But wouldn’t you know creeping out of no where I wake up with the empty, hopeless, alone, broken-hearted, self hating self yet again. When this stage begins again, I either can’t stay awake, let messes pile up, or cry at the drop of hat….or I frantically search the web for other diseases that could be causing me to think like this, or frantically search for new medications that everyone promises will work, or I search every vitamin or concoction that will take this pain away. Sometimes I spend too much money on these hoaxes on line, but each time I sware that I found the answers to my woes. Another habit I take on at this time is make appointments with my Primary Doc, my psych doc frantically begging them to fit me in so they can cure my pain.
This current down mood I am in followed many of the steps I explained above. But this time I’m searching every Neurologist and Endocrinologist close to me, so they can fix me. Today I spend most of the morning crying about the loneliness, pain, and regret I am currently consumed with. But around 3pm today most of that has lifted, and I am started to feel more clear, less pain, and less self hatred. When things start to dissipate I am able to block out all my wrong choices and mistakes I have made. When I able to block these thoughts I find it easier to follow my routines, and follow my steps to return to normalcy.
So I am writing this now, not knowing if anything makes sense…but I wanted to share with people who might go through the same cycle when falling or rising. Because when I am fully back to normal (which I feel will be when I wake tomorrow, if things go as they usually do.) But as I said above, when I wake up back to normal I cant fathom how I ever thought these thoughts or recall all the manic research I do.
The reason I titled this post PCOS Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome is because “Lucky Me” Besides Debilitating Bipolar I suffer from PCOS… Here is definition: Polycystic ovary syndrome (say “pah-lee-SIS-tik OH-vuh-ree SIN-drohm”) is a problem in which a woman’s hormones are out of balance. It can cause problems with your periods and make it difficult to get pregnant. If it isn’t treated, over time it can lead to serious health problems, such as diabetes and heart disease. Sounds fun right??? Well right now I am 3 1/2 weeks late on my period. When this happens my manic or depressed episodes happen more frequently and change at a moments notice.
So for now I am done writing on this subject. Hopefully when I am fully normal I will write a more upbeat, positive post.
I had few people reach out to me at my email: email@example.com offering me peace and understanding, mainly just making me just feel not so alone. I can’t tell you how thankful I am to each of you. Your words keep me holding on that much stronger for the sun to return. Please keep reaching out, I will be forever grateful to you.