Day 9 : Being kidnapped

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If you follow me, you know I am at battle with my Bipolar Depression.  If you read post 8 “BACK IN THE BIPOLAR DARKESS”(http://wp.me/p7OLUv-1I) then you know I wasn’t strong enough and allowed words of judgement to pull me back under.  Unlike day 8 where I chose to do nothing to fight it, today I have done everything I could: I followed “My Routine,” I read “My 10 Things To Tell Myself Everyday,” and also read a million uplifting messages and quotes on Twitter.  Even though I’m fighting hard today, it just isn’t enough.

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Since there is nothing else to report, I decided to write about another traumatic event that happened when I was 19.

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I have already written about some of my wild MANIC times.  One was “SEX,DRUGS,AND BIPOLAR.”  That time period had me doing very risky and dangerous things.  And during those times I had an intense need for adrenaline rushes that were still not being met.  So I chose to find people that would satisfy that desire.  I went to many different Techno Clubs with my normal friends.  It just wasn’t enough.  So began my secret life ( noone in my circle or family knew what I started to do, and I am sure to this day, most of them still do not know.)  I started venturing out on my own looking for excitement.  I began going to Rap dance clubs in East St. Louis.  I met very dangerous guys, many were in gangs.  They then took me me to all black clubs.  These places were not for people like me, many were shot and killed nightly there.  When I hung out with these men, it was in very dangerous blocks in North St. Louis.  These people surrounded themselves with high powered, illegal guns, and sold enormous quantities of drugs.  I was a very dumb girl who believed this was the ultimate adrenaline rush.  Well it eventually came back to bite me.

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One guy inparticular was always hanging around when I was With them.  His name was Jason.   He was very interested in me.  I did not reciprocate.  My lack of interest, even with all his perseverance drove him crazy.  He would not accept that I was there for excitement, not a relationship.  At this point I had no idea when I was sleeping, he took my keys and made copies.  One day I went to his house to buy some drugs.  We talked on the couch for a bit, he then went to his room and brought back a Japanese sword.  He let me look at it, then swiftly put it against my throat and said “I have the power to end you!”  I don’t remember now how I got out of there so quickly, but I did.  I hurried to my car, as I drove away I finally opened my eyes to the fact that this was not the life for me.  I was raised in the suburbs for Godsakes.  I vowed to straighten up and never go around these people or go to those places again.

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I worked as a Secretary at a local hospital in St.Louis.  On weekends the main parking garage was closed to employees.  Everyone had to park at a garage 2 miles away and be shuttled.  On this particular night I parked here like I always did on weekends.  Locked my car and went to work where my hours were 7pm-11pm.  What was different than any other night, was that Jason had called and found out what floor I worked on ( to this day I do not recall ever telling people in that group where I worked.)  At 10 pm that night Jason called and called my desk threatening to steal my car “saying I do not deserve nice things like he does.”  He kept calling, I kept hanging up.  The fear was rising up in my chest, I was so scared of what he could do.  I eventually called Security and explained to them the situation, they decided it was best I clock out and they chauffer me to my car.  But when I went to leave all that was there was a Security Officer on a bike.  I walked all the way to the parking garage while he rode next to me.

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As we walked up the ramp, I had a sickening feeling in my gut, we arrived to where I parked earlier that evening…we found it empty.  My thoughts were racing…how had he found this garage, how did he know I was parking so far from my work( I still don’t know, maybe he was following me, I will NEVER know.)  The security guard told me to walk over to the lighted area to stay safe, while he road up all the levels.  I turned to walk away, when I heard a car speeding towards me.  I jump to the side and looked back…IT’S MY CAR??? AND JASON IS DRIVING IT???.  Jason jumps out of the drivers seat waving a gun, ran to me, pushed me in the other seat, slammed the door and squealed off.  I look behind be as the security officer is trying to chase us down on his bike while radioing for help (I’m assuming.)

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As he drives away he puts the gun under his seat while pulling out a very large knife.  He rests it on his lap facing me.  We drive around for hours while he screams “you don’t deserve nice things” “you take your nice easy life for granted” “if I can’t have you, noone ever will.”  I plead, I beg, I cry.  Nothing gets him to respond or gets him out of this irratic state.  I am filled with regret of the choices I made to get me here, I am filled with sorrow to have this hurt my family, I am devastated.  It is now 3am and we’re still driving around aimlessly.  The sun starts to peak out of the horizon as we pull into a desolate gas station.  He fills the tank then speeds off without leaving my side to pay.  We eventually pull up to a gate at this deserted “pay by the hour motel” it is the kind they don’t open the gates to the lot until you pay.  I look around, we are somewhere off Grand Ave.  I continue to look for someone I could yell to…nothing…it’s empty.  Even the gate was attended by a machine you put money in.

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Once in the room I am pushed on the bed, my clothes are ripped off.  The weapons are on his bedside table far out of my reach.  He forces himself into me.  With tears rolling down my cheeks, my mind takes me away to happy childhood memories.

Not long after he finishes, Jason begins to feel sick from lack of Heroine.  He moves to the chair that faces me.  And pulls out a box full of drugs and needles.  I get so excited at this point, I tell myself to calm down and just wait until he nods off so I can escape.  I watch anxiously as he cooks it, fills his needle, then injects it…..”here we go” Im thinking.  But to my devastation he only pushes a small amount to stop the sickness, not to get fully high.  What am I going to do now????

I lay waiting, to then be pulled out of bed by my hair, I am forced in the shower where I’m told how to wash, where to wash, all the while he pleasures himself.

Luckily Jason only had enough money for 1 hour in the room.  I get dressed.  I am instructed how to keep my head down, and not to speak as we head to my car again.

We drive around for hours again, from North County to North City, stopping only to steal gas, or to let me pee in abandoned parks.  Day turns to night.  Jason now powers my phone on from when he took it at the parking garage.  I am told to call my mom and tell her I’m alright, that nothing is wrong.  The phone rings once, my mom picks up, I then tell her what I was instructed to do, she realizes something is wrong because I can’t say anymore, I just keep repeating myself.  He hears her screaming, grabs the phone and begins to yell at her.  When she threatens to hang up and call the police telling them I’ve been kidnapped, he screams: “tell your daughter goodbye…you will never see her again.”  He hangs up and turns the power off again.  This turn of events puts him back in attack mode.  I am then punched and slapped over and over again.  His eyes are beady..full of malice.  We again go the an abandoned park.  I am calm….I am ready for what I deserve….He then unbuttoned and pulls down his pants, he grabs my hair and pulls me down until he is in my mouth.  The gun is pointed at my head while I’m told to get work, and told if I bite, or hurt him in anyway, my head will be blown off.  At this point I know what’s going to happen, I turn into a robot, with blank thoughts.  After Jason finishes he pulls my chin so I’ll look at him, I am told “I have to kill you soon, since your parents have the cops looking for us.”  I then lay my head back on the headrest look out the window while we start driving again.  I stare out while memories of my childhood flood over me.

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Later I am shook hard until I wake up.  I look around, before I know it I’m being dragged inside an abandoned 3 story apartment complex with the knife against my throat again.

As we walk in, to my disbelief there is a twenty something woman with a toddler standing next to her.  I soon realize her and Jason are friends.  We all head to the basement, it was cold,and damp, Windows were broke out, several boxes were set up like little homes.  I could even hear rats or mice scattering around.  I am forced to the ground, when the toddler comes running and crying into my arms.  I lose myself in trying to sooth this little baby, and wonder what she is doing in a place like this??? In the background I could hear whisperings of what he got himself into, and how he has to kill me and dump my body tonight.  Sometime later I hold the baby asleep in my arms as I hear the young woman convince him to shoot up so he can relax and think clearly.  She helps him down on an old,torn up, damp blanket.  I watch as she cooks the heroine for him, then wraps the belt around his arm, then finally inject him.  By the grace of God this woman pushes the perfect amount to where he gets so high and happy, he even forgets I’m there.  After a few minutes she hands him a handful of change and begs him to go get some White Castle for her baby.  I can’t believe it, this is really happening.  As soon as we hear my car leave, I am in a dreamlike, disbelief state.  The young woman has to help me off the ground and up the stairs.  As we go outside it was pitch black.  But we saw an SUV parked down the street full of black men.  She holds my hand while explaining to me that Jason told her he was going to take me to an abandoned park again, slit my throat, leave me in it, while he runs away.  I’m out of it as she explains to these men my story, she has to help me get in.  They want to help me, not hurt me, I can’t believe it…as we race off down the road, another miracle happens.  There is a police cruiser at the stop sign straight ahead.  These men talk to the officer while helping me in his vehicle.  I am whisked down the road, hearing him radio for back up at The White Castles on Kingshighway.  I can’t believe it I see Jason in my car at the drive thru window, with two cars in front, and two in back, completely blocking him in.  The last thing I remember is him being handcuffed and put in another cops back seat.

I am taken to the station where I give my statement (ommiting the sexual abuse) I was young and dumb and was in fear of my story being all over the news.  The officer doesn’t trust me to drive, so my dad walks in, and I run to him with tears of happiness in my eyes.

I am taken home to pack to be admitted to a psych unit.  I stay for 9 days then released with all types of meds.

The following week I am forced to meet with the prosecuting attorney to press charges.  I relay the story over and over again.  I am told no weapons were ever found on him and “all the time we get stories from white girls like you, who come to hang out in the hood, so you need to learn your lesson by us not prosecuting him, because you started it!”

I did learn my lesson, I did stay away from bad people.   But still had many manic episodes that I couldn’t control.  So as of now I am at peace with the event,  and refuse to let it control me anymore.

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