Day 8&9 Back in the Bipolar Darkness


“What others see as self-pity is really a deep dark self hatred with depression, that can make me lose my desire to even get out of bed”

Day 8:

Wonderful start, followed by a fun day of swimming with my kids at my parents, then enjoying a great BBQ and great conversations……

Until…..something was brought to my attention(which I cannot divulge.) Normal people can take bad news or negativity with a grain of salt, but the more I struggle, the worse I make situations, and blow them up in my head as horrible, heart breaking situations.

I started uncontrollable hystericaly crying, that got so bad I could hardly catch my breath.  And eventually the buzz in my ears and the foggyness in my head from my sickness came over me.  I so hate when this begins because family members/friends often tell me to “push through it” or tell me to not let this bring you down….yeah ok, I wish it was that easy for ME!  it’s uncontrollable.

I HAD to go home…I quickly gathered my bags and loaded up the car, and continued to cry all the way home.

Once home, I got everyone tucked into their beds.  I then pulled myself a glass of wine to settle myself down and think about things.

Via advice from my therapist, I have tried very hard to stay away from any triggers that cause me to react this way.  But I was unable to dodge this one.  Things that seem miniscule to normal people, seem explosive to me.  This “thing” was about my blog, and I have some serious soul searching and weighing of pros and cons to decide if I delete my blog site and twitter account and return to just be left with these thoughts alone, and just seeing my psychiatrist once a month.  Or do I decide to continue writing and meeting people who truly understand what it’s like to be manic or depressed??

I ponder these thoughts and worry what bipolar symptom I’m going to wake up with in the morning as I drift off to sleep.

Day 9:

Well I wake up in despair.  I feel so down and tired and out of it…Why does this keep happening to me???

I can barely get up to turn off my alarm.  I manage to wake the kids up and make it to the couch.  I am so foggy, my body feels full of lead, my thoughts are in deep despair.  I am consumed with negative self hatred.  I muster enough normalcy to encourage the 9 and 11 year old to stay on task and do what they need to do.  I am filled with such regret because I cannot make myself get up to make a hot breakfast like I’ve been doing faithfully for almost 2 months.  My thoughts then go to the usual: my kids deserve to not have a crazy mom, my husband deserves a wonderful non sick wife, I am more trouble to them than I am worth.

I am so desperate to not have these thoughts, to not hate myself so much.  I am in such anguish.

I am able to pull it together enough to get the big Kids to the bus, and make my little one breakfast.  I then grab all the pillows and blankets and give into my depression.  I make a nice pallett on the floor and set in for a morning of cartoons.  I lay there wishing I could just sleep this day away.  I count the minutes to nap time.

Finally nap time arrives, I rock her to sleep and head right back to the pillows and blankets where I immediately pass out.

I wake up two hours later with my mood uplifted…..Thank you God

I convince myself I’m well enough to leave the house.  I grab my daughter and head to the grocery store.  Minute by minute my mood returns to normalcy.

My first mistake of the day was not following my routine ( on another post under menu).  My routine helps me be normal and stay out of my head.  When I complete my routine I feel uplifted and have a sense of completion.

But today I failed myself.  I let my depression engulf me and take the wheel.

But I want to try again tomorrow….Tomorrow I will fight against it.  Tomorrow is going to be a good day.

As you can tell I chose to do what’s best for me mentally and continue to write.

I would much appreciate some feedback on my writings.  Just scroll down until you find the comment section.

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3 thoughts on “Day 8&9 Back in the Bipolar Darkness”

  1. Definitely keep writing! It’s encouraging to know someone else can push through these same struggles and make it on the other side. I’ll definitely continue reading.

    1. hi!!..i’m linda coulter … i totally understand your struggle …it is good to write…i write…it really helped me to realize that this bi polar thing does just kidnap me….i will be bee bobbing along then out of nowhere i am moving thru emotional quicksand…suicide thoughts plague me…negative inner voice plagues me…i pray..turn up k-love…but it is a ruthless bronco rider riding me into submission…broken weepin submission…resistance feels so futile cause most everyday, whether for a few hours or days, i am mostly horribly depressed….breathing takes too much effort…at my very core, i am so weary……

      i am hopeful we can build a honest support relationship…. i also need feedback….i feel so alone most of the time… and like i am the only naked person on the planet

      good wishes for you to maintain productivity and inner peace

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