“What others see as self-pity is really a deep dark self hatred with depression, that can make me lose my desire to even get out of bed”
Wonderful start, followed by a fun day of swimming with my kids at my parents, then enjoying a great BBQ and great conversations……
Until…..something was brought to my attention(which I cannot divulge.) Normal people can take bad news or negativity with a grain of salt, but the more I struggle, the worse I make situations, and blow them up in my head as horrible, heart breaking situations.
I started uncontrollable hystericaly crying, that got so bad I could hardly catch my breath. And eventually the buzz in my ears and the foggyness in my head from my sickness came over me. I so hate when this begins because family members/friends often tell me to “push through it” or tell me to not let this bring you down….yeah ok, I wish it was that easy for ME! it’s uncontrollable.
I HAD to go home…I quickly gathered my bags and loaded up the car, and continued to cry all the way home.
Once home, I got everyone tucked into their beds. I then pulled myself a glass of wine to settle myself down and think about things.
Via advice from my therapist, I have tried very hard to stay away from any triggers that cause me to react this way. But I was unable to dodge this one. Things that seem miniscule to normal people, seem explosive to me. This “thing” was about my blog, and I have some serious soul searching and weighing of pros and cons to decide if I delete my blog site and twitter account and return to just be left with these thoughts alone, and just seeing my psychiatrist once a month. Or do I decide to continue writing and meeting people who truly understand what it’s like to be manic or depressed??
I ponder these thoughts and worry what bipolar symptom I’m going to wake up with in the morning as I drift off to sleep.
Well I wake up in despair. I feel so down and tired and out of it…Why does this keep happening to me???
I can barely get up to turn off my alarm. I manage to wake the kids up and make it to the couch. I am so foggy, my body feels full of lead, my thoughts are in deep despair. I am consumed with negative self hatred. I muster enough normalcy to encourage the 9 and 11 year old to stay on task and do what they need to do. I am filled with such regret because I cannot make myself get up to make a hot breakfast like I’ve been doing faithfully for almost 2 months. My thoughts then go to the usual: my kids deserve to not have a crazy mom, my husband deserves a wonderful non sick wife, I am more trouble to them than I am worth.
I am so desperate to not have these thoughts, to not hate myself so much. I am in such anguish.
I am able to pull it together enough to get the big Kids to the bus, and make my little one breakfast. I then grab all the pillows and blankets and give into my depression. I make a nice pallett on the floor and set in for a morning of cartoons. I lay there wishing I could just sleep this day away. I count the minutes to nap time.
Finally nap time arrives, I rock her to sleep and head right back to the pillows and blankets where I immediately pass out.
I wake up two hours later with my mood uplifted…..Thank you God
I convince myself I’m well enough to leave the house. I grab my daughter and head to the grocery store. Minute by minute my mood returns to normalcy.
My first mistake of the day was not following my routine ( on another post under menu). My routine helps me be normal and stay out of my head. When I complete my routine I feel uplifted and have a sense of completion.
But today I failed myself. I let my depression engulf me and take the wheel.
But I want to try again tomorrow….Tomorrow I will fight against it. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
As you can tell I chose to do what’s best for me mentally and continue to write.
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