This post is not intended for anyone under 18

Every move I make it am either normal, toddering on being manic, or worse, the other extreme, going deep down into the pitfalls of depression.

This entire blog is about my fight to return to normalcy, even better yet, sanity.  To no longer move from one extreme to the other.  I have to do this, there are no more options.

Recently I have been successful with the depression end of things, I’ve only had a few down days, but was able to bounce back pretty quickly.

For over a month now I have increased or changed some of my meds, I see a psychiatrist every two weeks, I attended intense group therapy three times a week (which I graduated from last Wednesday.)  I now follow a daily routine that keeps me on track to not start my day with laziness, that turns into regret, which turns into negative self talk and hatred, that eventually turns into a dark depression.  I also started blogging a week ago that holds me accountable to continue to fight daily.  I started yesterday walking on the treadmill, and after the holiday today I will be eating a low carb diet.  And finally I read positive thoughts and inspirational quotes that I’ve written down daily, and sometimes several times a day depending on my mood.

I’ve only had a couple manic episodes during this time period.  I stayed up all night and day a few times obsessively cleaning and organizing.  One time I did another manic shopping trip to Walmart where I spent too much money on things we didn’t need.

Recently my manic episodes haven’t been putting me in too much trouble, and I no longer live dangerously.

But that wasn’t always the case……

When I was 18 I mastered the art of altering drivers licenses, I changed mine and some friends to say we were 21.  I soon discovered what the night life had to offer me.  At the time I had a best friend who was a drug dealer who could get me anything I wanted.  We went out 2 to 3 nights a week to the coolest clubs.  Everyone knew who he was, so we got to walk to the front of the line and get right in, while the line would wrap around the buildings, or blocks away.  I thought I had found heaven.  I was able to drink as much as I wanted ( which took away my insecurities) and I had unlimited access to Ectasy and cocaine.  With these drugs I felt truly happy, at peace with myself, and boosted my confidence to levels I never thought was imaginable.  I even spent lots of time in V.I.P rooms hanging out with several STL sport celebrities.  My night lifestyle started out as what I thought was innocent.  Just enjoying lots of friends, and making lots of new friends.  I felt free, almost too cocky.  The drugs made me dance all night and really feel the music.  The first couple of times out I just went out and danced all night, then stumbled home between 4 and 6 am.  Later I was approached by the first good looking guy who ever flirted with me, we danced then made out.

Eureka….I found a new addiction!!

See, back in high school I was in the in crowd, but I was always a few extra pounds over weight, and at one point severely overweight.  When you are not perfectly thin noone in the in crowd ever tried to get with the chubby girl.  So I never got to date, or have sex, or even flirted.  And my dumb a#@ thought I was too good for anyone outside of the in crowd.

But in my drunken, drugged stuppers, I had thinned out and all those problems disappeared.

With my new found addiction and confidence, I now had a goal every night I went out to find good looking men to dance with, get drinks and drugs bought for me, and eventually go home with them at the end of the night.

I really thought I was something when my number of sexual escapades grew and grew.

I went home with so many men I didn’t know, some I had only met when the clubs closed and I was walking to my car.  I even had numerous partners with unprotected sex.  I sometimes even had sex on the parking lot with a stranger that I met, and still go home with someone else the same night.**** HELLO RED FLAG FOR BIPOLAR MANIA****

Ecstacy made me have this urgency to be touched, and loved on.  I felt I couldn’t end the night alone.

It was discusting and I am still thankful  to this day that I manged to escape STD’s and even AIDS.

I look back now and realized that I thought with one of these guys I went home with, one of them would eventually have to fall in love with me.  What I thought was confidence, was a serious LACK of confidence and self respect.

In 2002 I finally met a guy that wanted a relationship with me.  I let go of all my drugs and clubbing because I soon became pregnant with my first child.  We got married when I was 6 months pregnant.  We had a beautiful intimate service and reception.  Two weeks later he found another girl who was blonde and super skinny, and he chose to be with her instead of me and our child.  He walked out of our lives forever.  I soon delivered my son on December 29, 2004.

The moment I held Aiden in my arms I had a new purpose in life.  I was a mother, I had a healthy level of confidence, and I never felt the urge to live my old lifestyle or get approved by men.  I became the best mother I could be.  I said good bye to my old life.

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