Day 4,5,6 PART 2…My loneliness

I was so down the past 2 days after graduating from my Group Therapy on Wednesday.  I really grew close to everyone.  I felt their pain, they felt my pain.  It was the best place to get things off my chest without judgement.  During breaks we would all go outside and chit chat about normal things. (My kind of fun)

Being in my Group made me realize I miss my old friends and groups to talk to or hang out regularly with.  But due to this long 3 ish years in a deep depression, I assume I disappeared too much, or talked way too negative, because everyone is gone, or moved on.  I’ve tried for the last 6 months to reconnect, and I can’t get anyone to give me another chance.

I thought I was doing a good job of lying to everyone and hiding behind my mask.  I thought I appeared like I was just a little down, and that I still had my s@#t together.  But I guess not or they would still be here.

What everyone didn’t know was how sad I was, how I could barely lift my head up I was so very tired and down, how I rarely showered or took care of myself, how the inside of my house was way too overwhelming to take care of it, that it was trashed inside, and that every move I made, or tasks I tried to accomplish was the hardest things I ever had to endure.

During this time period, I never lost an ounce I gained in pregnancy…in fact in as little as four months of sadness and sedentary lifestyle I manged to gain another 100 lbs.  The extra weight was almost too painful for me to bear.  It hurt to walk, bathe, use stairs, etc. Etc.  I basically became so immobile that I have lost all my strength.

The other awesome thing I developed was a severe fear of leaving the house, or being anywhere in public  (my husband had to do all the shopping and errands.)  I was so deeply in fear of people judging me behind my back or to my face, I was crippled by it.

Just like in my youth, I again walked with my head down in shame, and avoided eye contact at all cost.  I was immensely embarrassed at who I had become.

This part has since resolved itself.  I come and go as I please.  I still avoid eye contact, and I hope and pray noone will point out my flaws to my face.

I have 3 people who stuck it out with me, and are still standing by my side to this day.  And they are my mom, my husband, and my best friend Jill.  I am soooooooo thankful to have them.  But like I said before Group made me realize I need an even bigger social life, It keeps me occupied, peppy, in good thoughts, and lots of different things to talk about.

Can someone comment below how I can accomplish this please?

Soooooo…..back to my last 2 days of pouting.  I was lazy and sad about not having somewhere to go 3 nights a week…but the new thing is, I did not beat myself up about it, which made my negative self talk that usually consumes me when im sad badically non-existent. I allowed myself to be disappointed for once.

I think this allowed me to bounce right back to happy Erika way faster then I can ever remember.

Today was a great day.  I woke up early, followed my morning routine, (see blog http://wp.me/p7OLUv-m) I got to tweet for a while.  I then dug into housework. After working my butt off, everything is in its rightful place, everything is cleaned or dusted.

Today I was happy, focused, on task, and ready to continue to fight this bipolar depression.

I am so looking forward to tomorrow (Sunday.) Since everything is done I get to just enjoy my kids, play outside, BBQ, and have a bonfire.

Oops I almost forgot..my husband set up my exercise room, for me to start my next goal: to exercise daily (which will further help fight my depression by naturally increasing my Seratonin and Dopamine.)

I will now include on my blogs: my weight, exercise completed, food/water intake.  I will be doing the low carb plan (which is also proven to help combat depression.)

Please don’t stop here…go to menu and reado my other stories.. especially

Day 2 Bipolar II http://wp.me/p7OLUv-2

Day 3 my sisters shunning me: http://wp.me/p7OLUv-1e

PTSD my story of surviving my father shooting himself when I was 13: http://wp.me/p7OLUv-1b

Please comment below on what I could do better..

4 thoughts on “Day 4,5,6 PART 2…My loneliness”

  1. Hi 🙂 you sound like you have a solid start planned for moving forward, goals are so important! I have just started coming out of a rather long funk and while I have strong family support, I am realising just how much my friendships have changed, people I thought would be there forever have moved on and now I need to as well. All the best to you xx Kate

  2. I recently went to a “Wine and Paint” event held by the wife a co-worker of my husband. It gave me a chance to make more strides in finding my way out of the house and becoming more social. I also want to try meetup.com. I’d like to try to find something that is for people in my age group. You can also check your local library for a book club or couponers club. Or maybe go with your best friend when she is meeting other friends. I know it’s soooo hard. Trust me, I know.

    There is always a letdown when a group situation ends. You get so used to everyone understanding you and then you no longer have that support.

    I hope that things get easier for you quickly! Good luck with your new eating plan (I hate the word diet, it implies that you will eventually be done) and exercise!

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