My Story

I am a 37 year old mother of 3 who has battled Bipolar Depression for as long as I can remember.   In my youth I was so insecure I walked with my head down to convince myself that noone could see me.  I had a few close friends that I could be myself with and not feel insecure, but to everyone else I didn’t feel like I belonged, if someone tried to have a conversation with me, my mind would go blank, because deep down I did not feel like I had anything to say that was worthwhile.  When I was 12 or 13 my dad shot himself in the head, which traumatized me and helped shape my insecurities even deeper.  I had convinced myself that if my own dad didn’t feel I was worth staying alive for, how would anyone else ever care or love me.  These feelings followed me into my teens and twenties, until the birth of my first child later on.  In high-school I became friends with the popular crowd, which made me feel I had value, but I really only felt comfortable in a small group of 3, if more than that was around I would shut back down in the mode that I had nothing worthwhile to say.  So began my binge drinking.  I was fun, funny, and was the life of the party the more I drank the more people wanted to be my friends.  After high-school I made several attempts at college, being bipolar I would be excited and would give my all and get great grades.  The other side of bipolar means I would lose interest when in the depression stage, and either choose to sleep instead of attending class, or would be too hungover to get out of bed. And I would eventually drop out.   During this stage of my life I discovered the club and drug life.  When I was out and living the rock star lifestyle I thought I thought I was truly happy and on top of the world.  The Extacy, Cocaine, and manic behavior led me to ungodly amounts of sexual partners, so mant I didnt even know their names.  Mania made my cravings for adrenaline rushes go out of control, I started hanging out with drug dealers, and going to dangerous clubs, which lead to my kidnapping at gunpoint point, to be killed on day 3. Even though I thought I was living the life, my thoughts of not being good enough still consumed me.  I made many mistakes, and put myself in numerous dangerous situations just trying to get someone to love me.  I failed at my first attempts at colleges.  But found something I was truly compassionate about: Emergency Medicine.  Even though I was living a crazy party life I was able to get my EMT license and work for an ambulance company and continued on to get my Paramedic license after. Finally around 12 years ago I became pregnant with my first child with the wrong guy, but nonetheless it put an immediate end to my dangerous drug, drinking, partying lifestyle.  To my delight when I gave birth, every insecure, depressed thought left my mind.  I was truly, truly happy, I found my purpose in life.  I now felt comfortable in my own skin, I was on top of the world.  I then found myself in a verbally abusive marraige, which brought out my mania and depression all over again.  I made many mistakes.  My story continues on with having two more babies and finding the man of my dreams.  Ive had many ups and downs with this disease over these 11 years.  But was truely happy and the best mom and best employee and wife I could ever be.  My youngest is almost 3, and during my pregnancy the darkness I felt from my youth crept back in and continues to this day.  I have been in a deep depression for almost 4 years now that gives me have about 1 week every month feeling happy and normal, followed by the rest of the month in a deep dark place.  I feel no happiness, I feel so down every day activities feels like the hardest thing to accomplish, a simple shower becomes impossible.   The positive end of this is that I am not so far gone, because I am able to meet each one of my children’s physical and emotional needs.  We have so much fun on my good week.  But the rest of the time they get so much love and compassion from me, they just see mom as unkept and tired.  About 3 months ago I decided to accept my illness, not get so down about it, and just settle with the down times and no longer beat myself up for it. But Everything changed soon after, I went to see my medical doctor who has been managing my Bipolar medications.  I explained to him my decision to accept, and for the first time in four years my Doc. told me “I absolutely do not have to settle for this,” that there are many more treatment options and I can beat this disease.” I was put me on a new medication for Bipolar that he has seen much success.  I then joined an outpatient support group that meets 3 times a week for 3 hours each time, I also have weekly visits with a Psychiatrist.  This blog is my fight to battle this disease.  This blog is important to me because it will hold me accountable to not give up and keep fighting.  I also decided to write a blog because if I help even one person giving them hope that they are not alone.  And they too can fight.  Please email me at :fightingbipolardepression@yahoo.com,  facebook: fightingbipolardepression@yahoo.com, Twitter: @fightoflife2016.  I would love if you could Leave a comment and keep in contact with me.

 

***This blog site is not intended to diagnose or treat your mental illness, please seek professional help.  It is only intended to be inspirational ***

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